Are Your My Mother?

Finding out I was pregnant was one of the most exciting moments in my life (well, sorta). I had been married for almost 2 years and with several months of no work I was- well, bored. I knew I wanted to work in my field ( Child and Youth Care), but I didn't want to settle for minimum wage and horrible hours. As I continued to stay home each day I grew more and more in love with the idea of having a baby. My husband however, was more leaning towards me finding a new job, not gaining a new housemate. So like a good submissive wife I continued to take birth control and allow aunt flow to visit me regularly.

In March of 2016 I ran out of the pill and rather than suggest I re-fill my prescription he agreed that we could finally start trying to conceive. I was beyond excited and wasn't turning down the offer, so we did ( try that is). A few weeks later I got a call that instantly brought a smile to my face- I got a job! ( You weren't expecting that were you? Thats okay, lol) So here I am, ready to start a new job but I was still keen on getting pregnant as well.

I wouldn't normally track my cycles because the only time it really matters is when you have a chance of becoming pregnant - and for me I never thought of it at all when I was on the pill I just knew it would show up on the day I didn't want it to- as always. So now we are in June and its still not here- so I do what I considered to be the most embarrassing thing, I go to get a pregnancy test at the dollar store. When I was checking out I kept my head down so the cashier wouldn't remember my face ( I go there often enough and I don't want some stranger thinking what is this young girl doing ! lol)

I raced home and called a friend to have some moral support. I drank some water and then there I was- me and the pee stick. Well the stick was way more pee than helpful because I totally missed the mark ( literally) peeing all over my hand and realizing I would have to get another one. Unfortunately my pride got in the way and there was no way I could go back to the dollar store for another one. So with not an ounce of sense left in my head I went to Shoppers Drugmart (why? Like what was I thinking) $12 later I raced home and this time I rinsed out a laundry detergent cup and peed in that instead.

I sat there and waited for the results ... pregnant.

I was pregnant! I was so exited I could barely contain it. I told two of my friends because I really couldn't hold it in (for one it was her birthday so I thought that was kinda cool!) My next mission was to figure out a way to tell my husband because there was no way I would be able to keep it more than a few hours. Since I was working at a school and the school year was coming to an end in about three weeks I knew pretending my student gave me a thank you card would be an easy reveal.

He got home and I played it cool, while dying inside because he called me and said we were going to do grocery shopping when he got home. I was getting ready when I handed him the card. He stopped and covered his mouth- he thought I was joking at first but he was so excited when I told him it wasn't a joke. We hugged, I cried, we stood in awe and I was relieved!

I ended up telling a teacher at work because I was using the bathroom like crazy and I couldn't keep it in ( the secret or my pee). She was so happy for me, and though we had only known each other for a short time she was so sweet and would always bring me snacks from the lunch room ( we had different lunch schedules but there were always goodies in the staff room- sometimes I would miss them so she made sure I didn't!

I still hadn't gone to the doctor to find out how far along I was, but I had an appointment to get some blood work done, it came back and it was confirmed. Three weeks later and my symptoms started to ware off, the fatigue, the nausea the throwing up - I was finally getting some relief.

One day I woke up and I noticed a little blood, but google assured me it was normal as long as it didn't go past three days. Well day 4 came and it was the last day of school. The teacher had given me a book " I love you Forever" and told me to read it to my baby- was pretty excited, but very concerned about what was going on. I instantly felt overwhelmed. I called my doctor and he told me to go to the hospital and so I went to the hospital. Everything seemed fine until I got into the car. A song was playing on the radio about a man who was excited to see his unborn child ( what are the odds) I looked at that as a sign not to worry.

I got inside and after waiting a few hours I was finally seen by a nurse who took my blood, urine, and all that other jazz. I met with a doctor shortly after and he asked me a few questions, my results later came in and they were high enough to warrant an ultrasound. While waiting for my turn I was sitting near a lady who was going on and on about her bra strap falling ( I soon discovered her name was Justine) she was a sweet older lady that turned to me and said , "hospitals are the worst, they are only good when you are finding out you're pregnant or delivering a baby." though she meant well I just wish she had sat there in silence because all this baby talk was way too much for me.

After the ultra sound tech finally called my name and she checked me - she wasn't allowed to tell me the results but I soon found out it looked like I was about 6 weeks into my pregnancy - it didn't exactly add up to my previous estimate but that didn't matter. They scheduled some follow-up appointments and sent me home. I went to bed that night with an uneasy feeling. When I woke up I looked at some of the forms I got from the hospital and one had my HCG levels. I called my family doctor to ask for the previous number given to make sure the number I got the day before was higher, this early on its important that those levels are going up and not down because your pregnancy is supposed to progress and produce more. When the secretary gave me the number my heart sank, it had gone down and within a few hours I felt it, literally leaving my body.

Pregnancy isn't just some "oops" its really a miracle and though there is more to this story I end it here because its still difficult to think about sometimes. But I am so blessed , and the God I serve is so good and my baby is in heaven with Jesus running on streets of gold and one day we will meet. "Are you my mother?" they may ask- and I can't wait to say, yes. Being a mother doesn't start when your baby arrives, it starts when God blesses your mind with the ability to love selflessly and in his time if he decides to touch your womb at that very moment you become somebodies mommy.